


How To Summon A Demon And Possibly Have Him Become Your Boyfriend

by dragonqueen1507



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:21:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25973557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonqueen1507/pseuds/dragonqueen1507
Summary: Alone on Halloween for the first time in his life Dirk refuses to let the holliday pass without doing something stupid in the name of irony.It's not like you can actually summon a demon...Right?
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jake English/Dirk Strider, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	How To Summon A Demon And Possibly Have Him Become Your Boyfriend

Dirk pushed his welding helmet up and stretched. He’d been working on this project non-stop for, what he thinks is, a couple hours now and his stiff joints were starting to affect his work. Pulling the helmet off and shrugging out of his jacket Dirk picked up his phone to check the time. His lock screen was filled with notifications from his close friends and siblings. Looking at all the “spoopy” memes Roxy sent him forced him to check the date.

It was fucking Halloween. 

It was Halloween and he forgot. Normally Dirk would be out terrorizing the neighbors and collecting sugary treats with Roxy, Jade, Dave, and John while Rose, Kanaya, and Jane stayed at home to pass out candy to trick or treaters. They used to dress up in either the most elaborately creepy costumes they’d spent the whole year planning or the most ironically cheap costumes they could buy last minute at Party City. One year John had convinced the unofficially titled “Spook Group” to go as characters from Ghostbusters. Dirk, Jade, and Roxy had shown up with fully functional proton pack replicas that had sound effects and lit up. John somehow ended up with Roxy’s at the end of the night and chased Dave around with it.

But Dirk had moved this year to a different state for a job that was better and more stable than the oddball ones he’d been picking up since high school. Tapping his phone he replied wishing his friends a happy Halloween while sending them a harmless virus that would change their phone backgrounds into an ironically awful photo of what was supposed to be a creepy doll for an hour.

Walking out of his garage Dirk took a hard look at his living space.

“Well this isn’t gonna do...” Too ordinary, not festive enough. This was his first Halloween alone and he’d be damned if he didn’t do at least one recklessly creepy thing. Of course, his first thought was to try and summon a demon. It would be relatively low effort and he probably wouldn’t have to go outside. Go big or go home right? 

After about five minutes of searching he found what he viewed as an ironically shitty horror website that looked to have been made in 2006 with a guide to summoning a demon and a picture of what he guessed was a summoning circle that was thematically artifacted to hell. He started shoving everything out of his living room and into his kitchen as it had the most space and was the only room with hardwood floors he could paint on. After discovering a few things he’d lost since he moved in Dirk grabbed a bottle of red acrylic paint and some giant three wick candles Dave had given him the last time he visited. His house didn’t smell, Dave was just a dick. 

Using his fingers to paint the circle turned out to be the best idea. Placing the five candles around the circle made it look even better. He didn’t have whatever witchy herbs the instructions called for so he just sprinkled the fancy green tea Jade had made him around the candles. He scribbled some symbols from a grimoire Rose had given him a few years back here and there. 

Dirk thought it looked adequately shitty and took a picture of himself with the summoning set up behind him. He sent it to Dave as a reply to his earlier jab asking if he was being a “gigantic baby” and not doing anything for Halloween this year. While waiting for him to respond Dirk went into his kitchen to make some very much needed mug of caffeine. 

TG: trying to summon a boyfriend? 

He rolled his eyes and sat down on the floor in front of the circle. His butt protested at sitting on the hardwood floor but he ignored it for the sake of laziness. He put his coffee down next to him to reply to the smart ass by being equally smart assical.

TT: After your thankfully failed attempts when we were twelve I have decided not to summon a romantic companion that will more than likely consume what is left of my soul and have instead chosen to summon what should be the king of hell to do my bidding. 

TT: Maybe you’ll show up instead as the king of irony. 

TT: Wouldn’t be too terrible. 

TG: aw 

TG: you miss me

TG: thats adorable

TG: wait

TG: are those the candles i bought when your house smelled like the inside of a dying motorcycle?

TT: Perhaps. 

TG: dude

TT: This shit is supposed to be done in a dark forest full of malicious creatures of the night. This city is tragically lacking in the forest full of evils department. 

TT: Gotta get the right setting somehow.

Speaking of setting, he should turn off the lights and set those aforementioned candles on fire. 

TG: sure lets go with that answer 

TG: jade is about to bust down my door i gotta go 

TT: You guys haven’t left yet?

TG: kanaya had some family emergency and got here late 

TG: jane wouldn’t let us go and forced us to help bake an army of baked goods like she was going to use them to take over the world

TG: or at least the town

TG: i think john almost had a psychotic break with all those cookies 

TT: Wow. 

TG: yeah he jaklfhweakldfbajsh

TT: Dave?

TG: hi dirk!

TT: Hello Jade. 

TT: I assume you are the reason for my brother’s sudden disappearance? 

TG: yep!! :D 

TG: were going down to the creek to get some frogs for tonight

TT: Do I want to know what you guys are doing with them?

TT: Do I need to call Rose?

TG: dont worry!

TG: the frogs will be totally safe

TT: Please tell me you’re putting them on Dr. Scratch’s porch. 

TG: >:O

TG: how did you know?!?! 

TT: Can’t reveal my sources. 

TG: youre no fun

TG: well we have to get going or all the frogs will be gone

TT: I don’t think that’s how it works, but alright.

TG: bye dirk!

TT: Goodbye Jade. Good luck with your pranking.

Picking up his mug again Dirk stretched his legs out in front of him into the circle with a sigh. He remembered Jade and Roxy talking about how much Dr. Scratch had flipped out at Jade when she was walking around with a frog last summer. It was no real leap in logic that they would take advantage of that information. Dirk was just surprised it had taken them this long. He took a quick swig of scalding hot coffee and scrolled through his contacts, noticing everyone was offline. He glanced around at the darkened room and watched how the candle light made strange shadows on the walls. The occasional flash of headlights traveled across his expansive DVD collection along the wall in front of him, most of which was traditional Japanese animation. Dirk nodded in satisfaction at how creepy he’d made his living room on such short notice.

“Alone on Halloween…” he smiled to himself, which was more of a small quirk of his mouth. He’d never been very expressive, even when alone. “Isn’t this how a lot of horror movies begin?” Oh well. Bring it on. He’d seen enough horror movies and anime to know how to handle himself should the unlikely situation arise where a demon really did show up like a shitty PG13 horror movie. 

He shifted his position to cross his legs because his butt started hurting again. Sitting for hours hunched over numerous projects and then sitting on a hardwood floor apparently made your butt hurt. Who would’ve thought? He must have drug his heel across an exposed nail or something because he felt a sharp pain and a little streak of blood trailed behind his right foot.

Muttering a half hearted “Ow” Dirk put his phone down to inspect his heel and tried very hard not to spill the coffee in his other hand. 

He looked up as the room got noticeably darker. A thick curl of dark green fog grew from the center of the circle. The candles flickered and went out, the room going pitch black and the small bits of normal fire smoke getting pulled into the now very large pillar of demon fog. 

Dirk was starting to freak out. A very obviously supernatural thing was happening in his bullshit not at all legit summoning circle. Well fuck. Maybe this is a shitty horror movie. He sat there frozen as the fog, now so tall it pushed out along the ceiling, began pulling itself back down into the floorboards. 

The first thing that Dirk saw was a head of black hair. Dark green horns poked out of its forehead, the skin a surprisingly human texture. He saw glowing green eyes open and sweep the room before landing on him. He was so fucked he had no analogy to describe the severity of how completely and utterly boned he was. 

Dirk Strider had just summoned a demon.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked this!  
> This is my first ever fic and I am open to any and all feedback you guys can give me.


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